Over the last few days I’ve been feeling an overwhelming urge to run away.
Truth is I’ve never “run away”, and wouldn’t even know where to start. But as I learn more and more about the universe, the more I want to turn my back on everything.
It’s been over 8 years since my world was turned upside down. And as I look back on that traumatic time in my life, I can say I’m utterly grateful for the experience.
Even last year when I suffered a stroke - it felt as if everything I had worked for went backwards, and that I was back clinging for life all over again.
It is absolutely exhausting.
A few weeks ago I was back at the hospital with very high blood pressure (BP) - in the stage 2 - hypertension crisis range. It had been high consistently for about a month. Against my better judgement I went on an overseas work trip too, which if I had gone to see a doctor about my BP, I would’ve been grounded as unfit to fly.
In emergency when I rock up, I’m usually pushed right through the queue. When you have a complex and high risk history like mine everything is treated as an emergency. I totally get that it’s precaution and that because of certain aspects of my body, I am at a far higher risk of death than the regular in-good-health person.
In the last 8 years since surviving a ruptured brain aneurysm - I’ve been admitted to hospital at least 15 times, only about 3 times have I been sent home within 24 hours. Some of those visits were quite significant - the discovery of an artery tear, a mild stroke, a small bleed in the brain, pain treatments and hypertension to name a few.
I have never gotten used to this new type of “normal”.
When I was discharged from my last hospital visit, I told the nurse that my life now was exhausting and that I was so tired of having to battle with my never ending pile of growing health concerns. I have to constantly “watch out” for myself, and almost live in a state of caution.
She listened as if she had heard this before from other patients and simply replied “but this is your life now”… and with that I left the hospital.
It’s been a few weeks now, and I’m now medicated to help with my BP so that’s ok. But there is this nagging voice in the back of my mind who wants to be reckless and throw it all away. I don’t know what that means exactly but it feels like a holiday that never ends, or spending time by myself for an extended period of time.
To be fair I actually feel this way quite often. But with the more recent health setbacks the urge is stronger than ever. Will I run away? Probably not. But I’m grateful to be able to sit, write about it and validate how I feel.
Do you ever feel this way?