Addicted to Sober in 28 days
/Happy First Sobriety Birthday To Me
It’s been 365 days since I’ve had a drop of alcohol.
This morning my husband asked me “How does it feel?”. I looked at him and pondered before I answered. I tried to remember the day that I checked into the Psychiatric Hospital in 2020, but my memory failed me. I know that my suitcase was searched, but I could only see fragmented glimpses of that in my mind.
“It feels normal. I don’t remember what it’s like to be that person. I don’t remember what it’s like to drink everyday.” I finally replied.
I spent 28 days in a psychiatric hospital, rehab facility in 2020. I quit my job, finished up on a Friday and checked in the following Tuesday. I wasted no time.
For some, the COVID-19 pandemic was terrible, but it was the kick in the ass that I needed to take control of my life that was spiralling out of control at a rapid rate. It allowed me the space for inflection and I soon realised that it was not the life and legacy that I wanted to leave behind.
I recall so many of my friends and family were shocked that I needed to go to rehab for drug & alcohol abuse. “I didn’t know” or “You don’t drink all day do you?!”. As a community we are led to believe that addicts are those who drink all day or “junkies” as we’ve labelled them who beg for money for their next hit. While there is an element of truth in that, addicts are actually simply individuals who can’t sit with their pain. Who use substance or behaviours to numb and escape, as a way of diverting themselves from their pain. Gabor Mate describes addiction as a symptom of trauma.
Understanding that means to treat the trauma, not the addition necessarily.
During rehab I learnt so much. I learned that my expectations that I have of others is generally a reflection of my past experiences - so if those feelings are not met it isn’t the other persons fault, it’s my perspective. This change in mindset has helped my mental health immensely and I am a far more content person than I ever was.
I learnt that thoughts and feelings are just that, and that I am in complete control of them - I can change them. I learnt that my addiction stems from childhood trauma which shaped my personality and behaviours as a teen to adulthood. Now that I’ve unpacked my trauma, it now makes complete sense and has allowed for a much easier and smooth journey of rebuilding.
And on that topic - childhood trauma doesn’t have to be horrible or abusive. Mine wasn’t. It was centred around losing my Grandmother at a young age. This was hard for me to understand as I had a relatively positive and loving upbringing, so I couldn’t figure out why I was an addict. But as I worked through it, everything came together.
Over the past year I’ve attended and facilitated both AA and NA meetings, have met mothers addicted to Valium, met someone who gave his pinky for his next hit (literally cut his finger off!), had long conversations with Heroin and Ice addicts and have seen the truly horrible cyclical behaviour of long-term addicts. It’s been eye-opening, but also terribly rewarding.
Walking out of rehab as I had finished the program was scary. I remember that I was scared to be out in the real world where I had access to all of my vices. But as the days and weeks went on, it just became the new normal. I know that this journey isn’t typical, I’ve seen the amount of people through rehab who have relapsed. But I am a new person, and I couldn’t be happier.
There’s still a lot to rebuild, but I have the willingness to continue trying.