Why sober non-addicts make it harder for us regular alcoholics

Ridiculous headline, I know. But hear me out.

I’m an ordinary recovering addict. I’ve been “sober” since June 2020 and am pleased with how I’ve been progressing. My substances of choice are alcohol and opioids which I consumed daily for a number of years, often in secret or in isolation. After years of substance abuse, and a number of failed attempts to quit, I found myself having to make a drastic change in my life, to save my relationship with my husband and son. 

Now the thing about my story is that it’s not unique. There are addicts struggling with lifelong addictions every single day. The problem is systemic, often generational and in my humble opinion does not receive the attention and compassion that it truly deserves. We are so quick to judge or label addicts without looking at what caused the addiction in the first place. 

Fundamentally, addiction is a symptom of trauma / pain. It is the consequence of looking for pleasure to distract you from the trauma or pain that you’re experiencing – most often from childhood. As an addiction progresses, it becomes habit. Once the brains neural pathways become accustomed to this habit, it is said then, to become addicted. Now I don’t have decades of psychology or addiction training, but what I do have is a decade of lived experience, as an addict.

As you can hopefully see, there is a lot to unpack to uncover the complex trauma of an addict. To find, sometimes what seems impossible, the underlying root cause of pain. This can take years of rehabilitation, and often many failed attempts at getting sober. When I was in rehab, I was among others that had attempted quitting many times. They came to rehab over and over again – with the hopes that this time will be the one that sticks.

I’m grateful that I’ve only been to rehab the one time, and right in this moment I feel like I will never need to go back. But I’m not naïve enough to think that I won’t relapse, or life won’t get so hard that I’ll turn back to drugs and alcohol. All I can do is take each day as it comes, try my best and find better ways of coping. Being a recovering addict is a lifelong journey.

I guess this is where I’m struggling a bit.

I’ve been seeing others talk about their sobriety and how they no longer drink alcohol, which I absolutely applaud, as it sets such a great example to society. It also happened a lot after I got discharged from hospital and people would hear my story and respond with telling me how long they had been sober for, because it was better for their health or they wanted to do more with their lives… it’s just not the same thing!

I guess for me it’s the terminology and language used – Like if someone who doesn’t drink (and isn’t an addict) refers to themselves as “sober” or starts counting their days “I’ve been sober since June 2020…” … as those are terms typically used for alcoholics, it kind of puts us all in the same basket.  

Do we both not drink? Yes.
Was it simply a choice to stop? Not necessarily.

As an actual alcoholic - I can say that stopping drinking was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. My new sober life is not simply one where I don’t drink. Staying sober is a daily grind, that I need to work on for the rest of my life. You’ve probably heard about people that still attend AA meetings, even if they’ve been sober for 30 years – it’s because as recovering addicts we’re aware that it takes work to stay sober.

Perhaps this is where addicts and non-addicts may differ. See… I don’t only think about substances when I’m out with friends and need to consciously resist the urge to order a wine.

It’s on my mind when I wake up in the morning, when I start cooking dinner every single day, when I go to the shops to get bread. It’s actually easy for me not to order a wine if I’m out for dinner.

What’s hard is walking past the bottle shop each day and not buying that bottle which I could consume with no one knowing. And don’t get me started with the “Just one won’t hurt…” people… “Yes Karen, it will fucking hurt”. Just don’t do it.

I’m not saying that non-addicts don’t have to put in work to stay sober. I know that it takes a lot of will power for most people to resist temptation. What I am saying though, is that addiction is serious. It causes families to fall apart, people to make seemingly selfish, ruthless decisions and is often confusing and heartbreaking for bystanders.

I remember a time before I checked into rehab, when I would be out drinking and others would tell me to stop drinking. In hindsight I don’t see why I never listened, but as I understand and learn more, I’m aware of how addiction can take hold of everything, and I don’t want to see that being blurred with the luxury of having the choice not to drink. I am sober out of necessity, not by choice.

Of course this doesn’t apply to all cases, and is quite a blanket opinion. But I guess my point is that simply “not drinking” is not the same as being a recovering alcoholic.

xLR

For more information on addiction, and if you or someone you know needs help please head to Lifeline.org.au or call 13 11 14 in Australia.