I've been described as high functioning, highly strung, a perfectionist, unrelenting and more... but today I am none of those. I am MEH.
Do you ever have those days where you are so mentally exhausted that nothing seems to make sense? You can't string a proper sentence of words together, and motivation is in a galaxy far far away from where you are right now?
I'm usually the "get up and go" girl, but this weekend my body has been really tired. I've slept a lot and to be honest there has been no intelligent conversations taking place anywhere near or around my head!
A few days ago it was my birthday. I used to be the one that would make my birthday last an entire month - parties here and there, catch ups with old friends. But not this year.
I've noticed that as I've gotten older (do I sound like my parents now?!) I am less capable of "celebrating" as I now understand what celebrating means. I am grateful that I am a year older, but in theory it's just another day. The more I think about this, the less I find things worthy of celebrating. I think I'm somewhat accomplished and enjoy the life that I have - but is that just "living"?
When I was diagnosed with Depression and Generalised Anxiety Disorder I thought I was a fruit loop and didn't really understand what it meant. One of the areas I struggle with the most is self-care. In my opinion I am worthless and unaccomplished. This trait is common with the perfectionistic and those with unrelenting standards - which I'm learning can kill your soul from the inside out.
So how do we help ourselves through this? I've started a simple routine, which I think has started to help. When I achieve something or have reached a goal I tick it off my TO DO list. I write my list at the beginning of the month and try to get to each item. Not only does this keep me accountable and on track, it reminds me of what I have done.
If I'm being honest this is one of the areas that I've really struggled with. It's a challenge for me to recognise any achievements I've conquered which in turn triggers my depressive states which often last for days. Those dark and heavy days where sadness engulfs me can sometimes show themselves as days where I am exhausted - but without any real energy being used. Days where after sleeping 8 hours you wake and feel as if you've had no sleep at all. Do you experience this too?