Who is actually suffering?

I've generally led a healthy non-eventful life. That is, until I was 28.

My story has been published globally many times, as some kind of miracle person that escaped the grasp of death and have gone on to live a "normal" life and continued to tell the tale.

Recently (May 2018) I was admitted to hospital again, where they found a Vertebral Artery Dissection, which may have been due to a stroke. But yet again, like the miracle that I am - I've walked away seemingly scot-free. Amazing right?

Most people know that I do a lot of charity work and like to give back to others in need. So in terms of me asking for help or needing other peoples' help - it's actually very hard, almost foreign for me to ask or accept peoples' help. Simple because that's how I am, and not because I'm ungrateful.

When I went through my recovery following my ruptured aneurysm 7yrs ago I felt hopeless, useless and utterly devastated that I needed to rely on others. It's so easy for people to say that they don't mind helping or that they love me - but to me it isn't about that. My independence was taken from me, which is basically all I had left.

This time round it's like reliving it all over again. My condition is no where near as bad but my risk of death is still very high. So naturally all those that love me have gathered close to me to help with whatever I need. Which is hard for most to imagine I'm sure - but I find it terribly difficult to accept help.

This week some things were said to me that can never be taken back. I understand and accept that my illness has an effect on others. But what I won't accept is that you or anyone around me understands what I AM GOING THROUGH. In the same way that I don't know what you are going through either.

I guess I'm writing so to let some steam out of my over-boiling pot. It has certainly made me wonder though...

Who is actually suffering?

Because at the moment it doesn't feel like it's me that has suffered this medical setback. It feels like I'm to try and keep others happy and not worry about what I want. Yet I'm labelled the selfish one? Ahh it's confusing isn't it.

And just in case you think this post is about you specifically, it isn't. It's about a lot of people. 

xLR