Every thing changes, every day

Here’s a nice pretty photo of me enjoying a night out as a finalist in the 2018 Altitude Awards last week. What you read below is a stark contrast to this photo.

 Finalist, Pay It Forward category, 2018 Altitude Awards

Finalist, Pay It Forward category, 2018 Altitude Awards

Most of you know I’ve battled substance abuse over the years, particularly alcohol and prescription #drugs. 

4 weeks ago when I went to hospital and they discovered a vertebral artery dissection and possible stroke they put me back on pain killers. I suffer chronic and debilitating headaches almost every day - so what does that mean? I take pain killers almost every day. 

Over the last few nights I’ve run out (which is ok because I know now, what addiction is). But that doesn’t mean that my body responds any different - it still detoxes and reacts the same way as coming down from any dependent substance. 

The last few nights have been HORRIFIC to put it lightly. Sleepless nights, restlessness, constant tossing turning, banging my chest so hard to try take the pain away, moaning in utter agony...

Last night I told my husband to kill me, at least 5 times. The pain is exhausting and overwhelming. 

During the day I have chronic aching headaches to which nothing works to take them away, what does work is keeping myself busy - so I’m grateful that I have a full time role to go to. My stomach churns, I have no appetite, my moods are erratic at best, my entire body aches and yet - I’m so lucky to be alive... #irony

I’m sharing this with you to show that we are all human. We all have our flaws and vices. No one is perfect, as pretty as a photo seems or how much good a person does - everyone is imperfect. Including myself. 

This pain, this overwhelming urge to destroy my life will go away soon enough, I’ve just gotta ride it out - it’s all part of the process. It will be over soon.

Everything changes, everyday. 

xLR