Nothing changes, if nothing changes
/In life, trauma, regardless of how big or small, will unfortunately play a part of who we are. It’s an inevitable part of living, growing and developing.
In psychology, there is huge importance placed on how we grow up, especially during the ages of up to 5 - 7 years of age. Have you ever been to a therapist who asks about your childhood? Even when you think that the trauma and pain you’re going through right now has no relationship to your childhood?
One of the reasons for this is that at this young and impressionable age, we build our beliefs and coping mechanisms, which are often a reflection of our childhoods. Of course this isn’t always the case, but most studies have shown that our childhoods have a direct impact on our thought patterns and beliefs of ourselves.
Dealing with trauma is painful. There is no other way to reflect on this other than to acknowledge that the trauma we experience can be the most painful experiences that we can ever feel. It could be the loss of a loved one, being hurt by someone, a sudden illness or injury - there are so many forms of trauma. But what often remains the same is that there is a tremendous amount of pain felt.
The thing with trauma, is that it can feel like the pain will never go away, and we need to validate that this pain isn’t something that you need to just get over or move on from. However, the way we think about things need to change in order to be able to continue living life.
Like many of you, I too have experienced horrible trauma. Fundamentally we know that it’s possible to move on from it eventually, but when in the midst of it all, it just feels hopeless. After going through a significant trauma 10 years ago, I can undoubtably say that the pain doesn’t go away. I still have days even still, where the pain gets too much. But I have accepted what happened, and am much better with dealing with the pain.
Over the past few years I’ve been learning about psychology, neuroscience and human behaviour. We are such complex beings, but it’s encouraging to know that our thoughts and feelings are within our control. Making this change is far from easy, but you must have the willingness to give it a try.
Here are a few challenging statements which really helped get me out of very dark places in the past:
What you focus on, consumes you.
If someone has hurt you, it’s a natural response to think of that person and that hurt. You may feel anger, frustration, confusion. You may start to question your relationship with that person and your identities. These are all very natural and expected feelings to have. You must acknowledge these feelings - that person hurt you, allow yourself to feel that pain.
But at what point do you accept what happened to allow yourself to stop living in pain? One thing is certain - you cannot go back and change anything that happened. All you can do is control your actions now. The more you breathe life into your pain, the more it hurts. Try to focus on what you’re grateful for (outside of this situation), move your focus. Perhaps your better off without this person, think of how you want your life to be. If you want to maintain a relationship with this person, acknowledge that you still deserve to be happy by realising that you can’t change what happened and focusing on what happiness might look like for you.We hold on to pain because we are scared.
When you’re in pain, there usually seems like there is no way out. If you’re suffering from grief the mere thought of not being in pain over that person, might seem like you’re not going to remember them or their memory will be lost. Or if you’ve been hurt, that not feeling that pain and hurt means that person got away with something, or it was ok. That isn’t the case at all.
That hurt and pain felt is real, and nothing can take that away from you. However, we have to face our fears of letting go to truly acknowledge that we deserve to move on with life. The hurt doesn’t just simply go away, it will always be there even years on. But often we are scared of how life would be outside of this consuming cloud of pain that we currently feel. How on earth can I move on after this trauma? Don’t be scared to let go, accept and validate the trauma that happened to you. Move your thoughts to the fact that you deserve to feel better than you have, you deserve happiness in life. Statements like “It hurts so much", “I can’t..” and “Why” are statements of feelings… Feelings, thoughts and behaviours can all be changed. It’s extremely hard, you just need to be willing.Nothing changes, if nothing changes.
We all know that doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is “insane”. But when it comes to a trauma response, this theory is often overlooked. If you look at yourself, really look into yourself and what you want. Think about what life might look like after this trauma, in the distant future - what does it look like. Imagine what it looks like to be happy, to be free of hurt and pain. Just imagine.
Now, think about the hurt and pain you’ve experienced. Do you desperately want that pain to go away? Are you desperate to feel or at least move towards that happiness you might see in the distant future? The clearest path to that happiness is simply to stop being hurt right? We know that isn’t easy, but at the same time the mind is consumed with pain, almost like it wants to feel hurt. Believe it or not, the hurt doesn’t go away. What changes over time is your response to it. If you allow your sadness to takeover, it will. If you acknowledge the pain and accept that you can’t change anything, you can start to move on. Once you can master how to respond to the pain, you can begin moving towards the life you deserve.
Another way of thinking about this, and where it is evident is the process of addiction rehabilitation. Addicts start by going through a 12-step program to understand childhood traumas or reasons for bad behaviour, lack of coping skills or negative thinking. Moving past that point, addicts then learn how to change their thoughts through understanding of where feelings come from and controlling their responses. The serenity prayer which is often used at the end of an addict meeting like AA, really focuses on accepting what has happened and knowing that it is possible to move on.
The serenity prayer:
“To the God/Goddess of your understanding - God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
Change is so hard. For everyone. But it is possible if you are willing.
Your thoughts, behaviours, feelings and responses are all within your control. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like they are, but with practice, mindfulness and awareness of yourself, you will find that you have more control over your life and the mindset that you live in. It’s terribly hard, but worth giving a go.